The movie opened with a baby in a womb and we zoom out to see a nine moth pregnant woman in full leather studded armor sword fighting in a battle to save her village. Now she was by no means alone in this battle but watching a nine month pregnant woman do that made me start to giggle. It was unfortunate that her being stabbed through her pregnant belly, (we saw part of conan's perspective on this) was not nearly as moving as it should have been. Her husband slays some more men giving off an air of gratuitous violence but at this point I forgive. He precedes to hold her hand close his eyes and perform a c-section with his dagger. Given how he just kind of stabbed and swished Conan out I'd be counting fingers and toes but the baby boy is born and his mother names him and then passes away. I was unable to stop from laughter when his father holds up this baby in the sky and screams like its a sacrificial offering.
We flash forward from Conan the baby to Conan the preteen. As a young man he is scrawny to say the least and rushes through his chores so he can participate in a contest with the other boys so he can fight in the army. They have to hold an egg in their mouth and run around the mountain. Whoever gets back first with an unbroken egg gets to go to war. Lucky him. So the boys are running and trying to trip the other boys into breaking the egg when they find another tribe coming to attack. Of course Conan being the only brave one stays to fight while the others go running home. He kills them all with unpolished moves and comes home to throw the heads at his father feet then spit out the unbroken egg from his mouth. Though this set of violence doesn't really end. We get to see him fight with his father, make a sword, fight some more. When the sword is done, they decided to throw some more plot our way encase we forgot why we were watching this boy kill things as violently as possible.
A man comes to the village to get the last piece of an ancient mask so he can resurrect his dead wife and rule the world. His men over run the town he takes Conan's father prisoner and his witch daughter finds the piece for him. Another gorey fight seen later Conan is holding onto a chain to keep molten steel from pouring over his father and killing him. This is mystery man's punishment since they are not afraid of death. Then they set the building on fire because its not proper punishment unless they all die but alas Conan's father kills himself and Conan lives!
Flash forward again. Conan instead of being manly and overbuilt as he is often describes, is more of eye candy in body oil. Not that I am complaining but I thought I was watching a Conan movie... At any rate the rest of the movie can be summed up in a he fights some people because he can, he takes some naked women to a town where he gets in another fight to get arrested. Then he tortures some people to get information so he can fight his way to a woman he fights before they get all snugly and do the deed. Then since they need her blood she doesn't know she has to use this mask we saw back in the day, she gets kidnapped and Conan goes and fights some more to save her.
During this fight we see a tentacle monster that only wants to eat Conan and seems content to throw everyone else around. A great chasm opens up where Conan is faced with the same child hood delima whether he should drop the chain to kill his lover and stop an evil being from possessing her or just hold on. This was when they introduced the Star Trekesq scene. If your at all a treky like I am than you are aware that near engineering there is a faulty bridge that breaks at just the right time to kill the enemy in about a dozen episodes and a few movies. Well guess what happens! The bridge breaks and the baddy dies so Conan hoists the woman to safety and then they just run off. He proceeds to drop her off at home and go about his merry way.
Now I'm not saying I didn't enjoy watching the movie but it didn't even make a proper action flick much less what I had been brought to believe I should witness in a Conan movie. Too much gore not enough plot for my taste. It didn't help that during the romantic sex scene a five year old behind me stands up and says, "That's how babies are made!!" Of course letting a child that age into a rated R movie I could write several more pages about. So I guess I will end with, its a nice generic action flick that gave me some snuggly nap time of my own on a rainy day. It was money well spent and I even got a free popcorn, soda combo today.
The giggly girl watching Conan signing off
-The girl in a corset
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