Unplanned Pregnancy.

I feel like I must be the most inconsiderate woman in the world sometimes. Let me explain. I have a friend who likes to talk all the time about how blessed she feels to be a mother, how much she loves her children, all the good she does in their lives, etc. She does not have custody of either child. One was adopted and the other lives with her parents. She only sees either once every few months if she is lucky and talks to them about as often. Both were the result of accidents, as in unplanned and while I am sure they are great kids I really feel as if she is taking too much credit. 


I would expect her to have as much pride as a surrogate mother. She is fertile. You go girl. Not all women can say that. However the way she brags on about what a great mother she is really irks me the wrong way. Now most days I can let it go but the thing is two year ago next month, I had a miscarriage two months in, she is aware. She was having a pity party about how much she missed her two sons and about how much she has given them in life and I kindly request we change the topic. Then try and steer the conversation towards something we can talk about vs something I have to listen to when she looks me in the eye and says "Well you just don't know what its like to loose a child." 


Granted I'll admit I overreacted but I lost my temper. Giving a child up for adoption is not the same as losing a child and giving birth doesn't make you a mother. I climbed up on my soap box for a good long rant and when I climbed down we weren't on speaking terms and despite it all, I don't think I'm wrong. 
A few days later we are speaking again when friendship tragedy struck. She got a part time job blogging on a forum where she met several women like her. Many of them hadn't seen their children in years yet they boasted about their mad mothering skills and how hard it had been to loose a child. She climbed on her high horse and I wanted to scream. However it did get me thinking, at what point are you a childs mother? Dictionary here I come, 

mother

 [muhth-er] 

1. a female parent.
2. One's female parent

Ruh roh. What's a parent?

par·ent

 

1. a father or a mother.

2. an ancestor, precursor, or progenitor.

Hmmm. So a mother is a female parent and a parent is a mother or a father. Well the dictionary was helpful today. Well let's just stick to my opinion then, you're reading my blog so I'm assuming you want to hear it. There are a few different forms of mother. There is the biological mother. She is the one who provided you with half your DNA. Then we have the one who carried you in her womb. This can be and is usually the biological mother, but not always. Sometimes we insert a surrogate mother. Then we have the actual mother. This is the woman who raises you. This is the woman who is supposed to make sure you have a roof over your head and food in your belly. The one who loves you. Now it's not that the biological mom or surrogate mom can't love you, sure they can! They have years of brainwashing and hormones telling them they do! 

However I don't think they should get credit for raising a child they only have for a weekend every six months. Or two weeks out of the year because the adoptive parents are generous enough to allow the woman in their child's life. You know why? Because when you put up your child for adoption you sign away your rights. He stops being Your child. His Parents are the ones that go into a court room and prove they can care for them and love them. 

So parents who give up there kids, they can call themselves egg donors, biological mom, whatever. But I don't think they should take credit for what they aren't helping accomplish. 

Having probably pissed off at least two people,

Corset signing off